Friday 25 April 2014

Nothing to do but write, eat chocolate, drink tea... Inversion 1, excerpt 11

As the heading suggests, I have nothing to do today, but eat chocolate, drink tea, and write. I'm attacking Inversion 1, turning 'telling' sections, where I sketched in what is happening at points in the story, to 'showing' sections, where the story is told by actual happenings, actual dialogue. A bit of telling is okay, apparently, helps the momentum at certain points, but too much is not engaging for the reader.

With that in mind, I'm going to read through the following with an editor's cruel eye, and consign that telling to the bin. I'd love it if you would join me.

Inversion 1
Beginnings
Excerpt # 11

On reaching Deck 17, I followed my nose. The catering team had evidently been working hard. Each Stasis Hold of two hundred souls was a self-contained community with all the skills necessary for the best chance of survival; the Wakers in Hold 1 - despite their specialist status - were no exception. From the corridor outside, Refectory 1 seemed reassuringly loud and lively, though on entering I noticed the only conversation was between cutlery and plates. Around a hundred Wakers sat at glass-topped tables that were drawn across the room like lines on a page. An aisle bisected the lines into columns and led to the long gleaming counter where trays of food sizzled and steamed. Heads turned, sombre faces lifted and red eyes stared as I walked down the aisle. Though some had changed into the orange overalls that served as uniforms, many still wore their grey stasis suits. They were grubby and sweat-stained and their weary occupants looked equally unkempt. I guessed few of them – if any - had slept at all. Around twenty men were spread evenly throughout the hall, though Keith and Michael sat at a table on their own in the corner. The aroma of succulent food overpowered me. A dozen mumbling women stumbled through the doors. I recognised them, knew they had just completed their stint of guard duty. They hushed when they saw me, silently joined the patient queue for welcome sustenance.

'Good morning!'
My words echoed around the bright white rectangular space. All turned their faces towards me. Their voices were as one.
'Good morning, Captain.'
Hunger nagged at me and my mouth watered till I could barely speak. I stole a scrap of bacon from an abandoned plate, closed my eyes and chewed slowly. Though cold, it was delicious.
'I can get you a plate of your own if you'd like, Captain.'
I smiled.
'Thank you, Carmel. I would like that very much.'
'Coffee?'
'Tea, please. No sugar.'
A few murmurs and chuckles seemed to ease the tension. The petite, orange-haired girl scraped back her chair and headed for self-service. I took the moment to say a few words.
'In the last hours we have all witnessed terrible things. Some of you have lost loved ones. Your pain is felt by all of us. The days and months ahead will be difficult, but together we will get through this. I want to thank you all for your professionalism and dedication to duty in the face of such terrible adversity. We all need time to reflect, to mourn, to take stock,' Some heads bowed, others nodded mutely, 'but unfortunately, we are not able to do so.'
Whispers of disbelief morphed through cries of discontent into bawls of outrage.

I shouted over the throng.
'Please, let me explain.'
Silence descended slowly. Carmel placed a piled-up plate in front of me. Her eyes were blue red-rimmed saucers.
'Sir, we need to say goodbye to those we have lost.'
'I know, Carmel, I know,' I rested a reassuring hand on her shoulder, 'but we don't have the time.'
Angela6, a tall black woman, stood, her voice bitter with grief.
'That's exactly what we do have! It's the ones who died who don't...'
She folded into her chair. Friends hugged her, consoled her, then belligerent eyes turned back to me. I decided to give them the bare and shocking truth.

More soon. Did I pass my self-imposed test? I'm not sure...

Inversion 1, a sexy sci-fi novel, will be published soon.

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