For a bit of fun, between the gardening, the washing up, the cleaning and the masturbating, I considered all the lovers I'd had and whether their names reflected their physical or emotional traits in any way. I read recently of a school of thought that says people are swayed towards an occupation by their surname (Banks works in a bank; Wood is a carpenter; etcetera) and silly things like that attract me, stay with me to surface at some unexpected future time. Well here is the time! Certainly future, and I for one didn't expect it. Hope it raises as least a smile.
It's a well-known phenomenon, scientists claim
Where one's occupation is decided by one's name
I've noticed it's true on several occasions
And a similar thing applies in some sexual situations
*
e.g.
*
Muscle-bound Jim did cock exercises
To enhance his length and strength and size as
He wrongly believed a girl's satisfaction
Solely stems from penile action
*
Phil did not truly live up to his name
In fact, he failed miserably, his cock barely came
Beyond my always-slippery and welcoming entrance
I quickly broke free from that short and sexless sentence
*
Adrian wanked and drank like a drain
Lived up to his anagrammatical name
I left him too: his cock was always flaccid
And there's neither rhyme nor reason for flaccid
(No reason, but as rhymes, I'll take acid and placid)
*
Mike thought his cock was a microphone
Sang himself love songs when he was alone
A flexible chap! Sadly orally redundant
I turned instead to yoga and can now lick my own cunt
*
Dan loved his judo, threw me around the bed
Was too rough, had no clue, so I fucked his mates instead
Who - strange, I know - all shared his name, were Daniel to a man
After great sex with the sixth, he became my seventh Dan
*
Andy was handy, his skills had renown
But he cheated on me, honed his tool on girls from the town
I started a rumour the lying fuck had AIDS
Now Andy's hand holds his sole chance to get laid
*
Lou's self-confessed secret love of water sports
Was confirmed by his close friends' smiling winked retorts
So I'd pissed on his penis, was pissing on his head
When I saw the water skis and wetsuit under his bed
*
Doug dug himself an unnatural hole
Deemed the two I gave freely 'unsuitable'
His needs were uniquely scatological
Biologically illogical
*
Gem is a diamond, a sapphire, a pearl
And understands all the demands of a girl
Knows how I like it, the what, where and when
I need never get fucked by a fucking man again
*****
