Please, call me Bob.

Hi. 

Here again! And bearing gifts. I'm not Greek, so go on, take 'em! Read away. These words are free and are far from throwaway; how often can you say that these days? 

Elsewhere, I have tag-lined this tale, 'A psychiatric consultation proffers an unexpected diagnosis'. And indeed it does. Even I don't know what's going to happen. Someone said, 'It's a bit Twilight Zone,' which flattered me greatly. I love that programme. 

Right. Here goes. Lush rejected this story, said it was more disturbing than erotic, which is a shame. In my opinion, the best erotica is always a little disturbing, a little dark. Don't you think? A little shameful? A dirty secret? A troubling, dangerous compulsion? Perhaps that's why I don't have a boyfriend...

Please, call me Bob

Session 3

'How have you been this week, Robert?'

Patient looks agitated. Increase meds?

'Please, please call me Bob.'

Biting nails, sitting on the edge of his chair.

'Okay. How's this week been?'

'Good.'

Good? Could you expand on that? Anything unusual?'

He's withdrawn. Inside himself. Perhaps meds are too high?

'Quite good.'

'Quite good? In what way quite...'

'Listen. And please don't look at me like that...'

'Like what?'

'Like I'm fucking crazy!'

'I don't think you're crazy, Robert.'

Patient appears very disturbed. 

'Bob. Please. It's Bob.'

'Just tell me, in your own words, what happened.'

Pupils dilated. Rapid eye movements. Shaking.

'I came home early from work and caught myself - I know this sounds fucking ludicrous - I caught myself, naked in bed and fucking my wife.'

'Did you...'

'And if that wasn't unusual enough, I was being, shall we say, exceptionally scatological, while she - not typically one for being adventurous in any field, let alone the sexual arena - was enjoying it, and I mean really fucking enjoying it, arse in the air, spine almost dislocated, bent so far back on itself.'

He is ranting, narrating, as though for an unseen larger audience.

'Did you...'

'And though her face was pushed into the pillow, her moans filled the fucking house; animalistic gasps, cries, screams, for fuck's sake, like when she was giving birth.'

Read the conclusion of this torrid tale plus - extremely generously, I feel - nine further stories in 'Measuring up', my latest collection of concise erotica, available now exclusively on Amazon.